The meaning of friendship

Lately I've had quite the mental tug and pull going on. For most of the last month I have thought this tug and pull was caused entirely by me, after careful review I am not so sure. In fact the last month has raised a lot of questions as to what a true friend really is.

Now granted some things in my life have changed. It always involves a male, duh. To make a long story short me and an old flame kind of took a second or maybe a first real effort I guess at making things work. He's a lot like I am stubborn, hard to read, blah blah blah that's a different story. Any way this particular male lives 80+ miles away. Enter the long distance relationship.

You want to test any friendship, I mean really find out who your friends are? All you have to do is work 40+ hours a week (at night in my case) and be given 3 days, Friday through Sunday, to divide among friends, a boyfriend that lives over an hour away, and parents expect you to be around at all times. Yep, that will do it.

I never thought that me dating some one would bring so many issues to the surface, especially given my history with men. I thought that when I found some one that made me happy people would be happy for me. Boy was I wrong. How many people have actually told me they were happy for me? Honestly, two that I remember. Now I find myself being tugged in different directions, all of my friends (with the exception of a couple) demanding I find a place for them to fit in on a regular basis. I have even heard that people have been saying that I am a horrible friend.  hmmm, I'm sorry but if I am that horrible why are you still begging to be my friend??

Again, back to the point. As we grow up our friendships change; some grow closer, some grow apart, and some just disappear all together. I've always felt like I was the friend you could count on. You know, the one you can call at 3am when your car won't start. I've always tried to be there for everyone as much as I could. Is that what makes a friend?

I've always felt like a friend is some one that you share your life (or parts of it) with. Of course this will change when you romantically share your life with some one. It's a part of growing up isn't it?

To me, a best friend is some one that has your best interests in mind. Even if you don't talk for a month and one day call them and talk for hours just catching up. With a best friend it will always feel as if you just talked yesterday. You'll still laugh, you'll still giggle, you'll still joke. Most importantly you will still care for each other. Isn't that what a friendship is all about.

So what was my point.... Well I'm not sure that I had one other then to bitch a little.

So why haven't I heard more "I'm so happy for you's" rather then the all too common "You never have time for me anymore" That might be a mystery. Maybe it's true, maybe I am a horrible friend. Or, maybe we just expect everyone to always be there. either way... I'm stuck being pulled in million directions.

For those who have supported me, thank you. For those who haven't, I'm sorry I disappoint you. I'm still working on what it means to be a true friend I guess.

Cherishing Life



It seems I only post some thing when there is a certain subject on my mind. Which I guess is a good reason to post. Tonight the things on my mind seem to be car accidents and cherishing life while it's here.

The reason for this could partly be because last night as I was standing at the Dairy Queen with Heidi I heard an accident happen. I turned around to see that some one I knew was involved. He was okay, and so was every one else. It felt like dejvue though. I too had just been through the very same thing back in December. On a snowy day I was driving from the chiropractor to work to drop off my doctors note when my car was totalled. I too was okay, but all accidents can end badly. I also believe that a large majority can be prevented. The day of my accident the girl that hit me was driving too fast, I very much believe that. She was driving and all wheel drive car and there was no reason she should have lost control.. Some interesting but scary facts;

Around 40,000 Americans are killed each year in car accidents.
Drivers are more than twice as likely to die as their passengers. After drivers and passengers, the third group of people most commonly killed is pedestrians, followed by bicyclists.

More than half (around 57%) of car crashes with fatalities involve a single vehicle.

Tonight I also saw a post on one of the car forums I read that a guy had lost a co worker and friend to a car accident. He said he never would have thought that night when he talked to her that she would lose her life.

And this is where my brain shifts to cherishing life. We never know when things are going to happen. We never know when one time we talk to some one could be the last time. I think we all get to caught up in the hustle and constant pressures of life and we forget just how precious life really is. Any time could be the last time you talk to some one. Not by choice but because some thing tragic happens. Some times people never get that chance to say good bye.

Slowing down and appreciating life is one of the things on my summer to do list. Not getting caught up in the craziness of life, slowing down, using caution, and telling people how I feel. You never know when the last time will be the last time. Don't take life for granted. Tomorrow is never promised.

Judging Others...

I always liked to think that I was a very fair person. That I was in no way quick to judge other people before I knew them. I have proven myself very wrong in the last few weeks, with the help of some one that has recently come into my life.

So I guess to start my story, I need to explain that I have an undying love for cars. My latest love was wrecked just 3 short months after I bought her. So when the journey began to fix it, I began looking on the Internet for parts. I came across this stratus coupe forum, which I hung around for a couple of days, the people seemed nice and helpful so I joined. I never expected anything that did happen to happen.

It seems there is a young man pretty close to my age that is also a member, he lives around 2 hours away and is exactly my definition of out of my league. Even though I have never ever met him. That seemed to be judgment number 1.

Well anyway, him and I started talking a little more and a little more through emails, mostly about cars at first then a little more about personal stuff. It wasn't long before I developed a big old Internet crush on him. lol laugh all you want right now, but it happens!!

I learned that he is a personal trainer, very into fitness and sports. This is where I made another judgement. I assumed because he is a personal trainer that he was some beef cake jerk off with no personality. My third judgment came when I assumed that he would never ever like me, never ever even want to be my friend.

About a week past before he gave me his number. I was all kinds of excited about that. So I returned the favor and gave him mine, He said "it would be much easier then emailing"..... Okay :) So we chatted a bit, we flirted a bit, and we are quickly becoming friends. In here I made another judgement. I assumed that because I am a bigger girl he would never like me. I don't know if that judgement it true or not, but he told me I was pretty and had beautiful eyes.

Point is, I was so busy worrying about him judging me that I never turned it around to see that I was judging him. He has never given me any indication that he is a beef cake jerk off, and all of that stuff was all in my head. The more I get to know him the more I learn that he is very caring, has a great personality and an awesome sense of humor. 

I am glad that I have realized all of this at this point. It makes me wonder how many times I have done all of these little things in the past, and it makes me feel bad for jumping to conclusions. I am now a little more aware that I need to sweep my steps before I tell anyone to sweep theirs. Lesson learned, not every one is what you think they are going to be!

Truth.

Today my mind set is all about truth. Truths that people don't like to talk about. It's also been stuck on emotions. Not only about being emotional, but having emotions and not being afraid to share them.

Truth is, we all have emotions. Unfortunately a lot of us are taught not to show them, not to share them, and to be tough. I was one of those people. That makes days like today especially hard. Today is one of the days where I just don't want to be alone. I want to cry when I feel like crying, I want to laugh when I feel like laughing, and I want some one there to share it with me. however, I feel like I can't share that with my parents. I feel like they just won't understand it. They tend to be a little insensitive. So the days I cry, I cry alone, or I cry with my arms wrapped around my horses neck or with my dog curled up by my side.

That brings me to another truth. Fear is another truth of my life. As I watch all of my friends grow up and get married and have kids I feel like I am being left behind. I feel like I will never find that some one to be with, that some one that deserves to share my life. I'm afraid of never being happy with some one else. I'm afraid of being alone forever.

Truth is today is one of those days that I could be sitting in a crowded room and feel all alone. I've text three people now just to say hello and none of the three has text me back. I feel like I am the only one that doesn't have any thing important going on tonight. I feel completely alone tonight. Truth is, tonight I just want to cry. Another truth is I have no reason to sit and cry. It's just one of those days where life has over whelmed me and I don't know where to turn. I know that we all go through this. And I know that when I wake up tomorrow I will feel 100% better.

Truth is, no matter how old we are, how wise and mature we are, we all need a friend at some point in our lives. Today is my day. And today my friend just happens to be my beloved miniature pincher that I can always count on. he always knows it's time to cuddle when I just want to cry. Even if there is no reason to feel lonely or cry I always feel better after I do. Another truth, I truly think that this is one of the things that makes me female!! :) lol

It's okay to laugh, It's okay to cry, It's okay to tell a friend that you need them. It's okay to feel alone, it's okay to be afraid. We're all just human. I'm pretty close to 100% sure that we all go through it.  If we open up and tell other about it, maybe we don't need to go through it alone!



Hi, my name is....(Insert Label Here)

A couple of days ago I was talking to an ex-boyfriend of mine. An ex that I still get along with very well, that I still care about very much, and an ex that would stand up for me in every horrible situation that I ever ran into. We were having a nice conversation when he told me something that unexpectedly upset me. It still upsets me enough to right a blog about it.

What my ex told me was that a mutual friend of ours, or what I thought was a friend of mine had indirectly made a comment about me. The comment that he made was in front of a large group of people and was about my ex but in reference to me, He said that my ex liked "fat chicks." I know that I am the only larger girl that my ex had ever dated, so I know that comment was strictly directed at me. 

I had known this guy for about 2 years, we went snowmobiling together, had long conversations about cars, 4 wheelers....you name it. He knew me pretty well, he knew that I am more then just a "fat chick"

That's when it hit me that this comment really bothered me. I usually just let stuff like that roll of my back and I don't put anymore thought into it. This time I couldn't just let it go. This time I was offended. I consider myself to be a farely, how do I put it, deep/ complex person. I am told I have a good personality and I have many interests.... I am more then just a fat chick. There are so many people that are labeled that are more then just what they are labeled. And I hate to think that people are letting these labels define them.

I am more then just a fat chick. I don't deny at all that I am a fat chick, but I am so very much more then that. I am caring. I am a best friend. I am a car chick. I am a girly girl. I am a party girl. I am so much more then a lot of people will ever know because they don't look past the surface to get to know me...... I am HUMAN!

I know that there are labels that girls are given that aren't negative, labels that they let define them. "The pretty girl" The smart girl" "The athletic girl"  These labels are all great but you should never limit yourself to those labels. Just because you wear one of those labels doesn't mean that you can't do something out of character. It doesn't mean that you can't wear more then one label. Wear as many labels as you want, be as many things as you want to be. Never let anyone define who you are, YOU define who you are.

So yes, I am a fat chick. That to me isn't negative. What is negative is that that this particular person chose to imply that "FAT CHICK" was the only thing that I am. Well, I am sorry buddy, but I am more then just a fat chick. I am a lot of great things all rolled into one. And if you only choose to see me as the fat chick then it is you that loses in the end. Call me what you want, define me as you wish, however in the end it's me that chooses what I am.

Desperate Times Call for... Being Very Cautious

There is no need to say that every one has been facing hard times lately. I, myself am not excluded from this. After being laid off for a year and half I finally was called back to work. Only to find myself, 6 months later, on short term disability due to a back injury. With bills stacking up for every one and money becoming harder and harder to get our hands on it becomes very easy to fall victim of some terrible persons scam to make money. It never hurts to do a little research into some thing that sounds too good to be true. With the Internet and so many other resources available now it becomes very easy to blow the lid off of some one get rich quick scam. It also becomes very easy for people to steal your information and steal your money.... So here is my story.

With my back injury comes huge amounts of medical bills, that aren't stopping anytime soon. I also had a car accident that totalled a car I only owned for 3 months, and through a long battle with the insurance company, it still isn't fixed yet. Plus the cost of every day living, getting to the chiropractor, and gas prices, money is hard to come by. It's also very safe to say that I am at a very high risk of being scammed.

A few days ago I received a letter in the mail, a letter that had "Readers Digests" letter head on it. This letter informed me that I had won a sweepstakes and I was entitled to $500,000. It also contained a check for close to $5,000 dollars. It simply instructed me to call them and give them my prize code and they would give me further instructions. So out of pure curiosity I called. Gave them my prize code and questioned them about how I was entered into this sweepstakes drawing. They informed me that when shopping at places like Wal-Mart, Target, The Home Depot, and a few other places that your information was automatically entered into a drawing and I had won. They told me that the check was to cover taxes and other fees which I had to pay out of my own pocket. They instructed me to deposit the check into my account and then call them back and a prize patrol would delivery the remainder of the winnings. I decided that all of this sounded a little sketchy. So when I got home that night I did a little research on this sweepstakes. The first site I was directed to was fraudwatchers.com. Bingo. Big scam. As is turns out the checks they sent are stolen checks. So once you deposit the check it is more then likely traced. They then will come and deliver you a very large check that is no good, you write them a check to cover taxes and costs and they go on their happy way. Knowing that they just embezzled money with your help and there is no way to trace them. You are then held responsible for the amount of the stolen check that you deposited in the bank, and possible charges of fraud for depositing a stolen check. Great scam, and had I not done my research, I could have fell victim to it.

The next scam happened that same day. Although it took them a few days longer because I did not return their phone calls for a few days. I received two phone calls from a man with a very heavy middle eastern accent. The message he left me was stating that I had serious legal matters being charged against me and my social security number and I was to call them back immediately before they could no longer assist me with these matters. I didn't call them back, because I could barely understand the message. Then yesterday I received more calls, from a woman this time. So instead of calling back the number they gave me to call, I called the number that showed on my caller ID to find out where the calls where coming from. The number connected me with an apartment renting office some where in Florida. Clue number one. So the third time they called back this day I answered. The claimed to be from a Morris Law Firm out of Florida. They said I was being charged with non payment of a payday loan. They said their clients name was United Cash Services and they had loaned me money which I had not repayed. They had the name of my employer, my birth date and my address. I have never had business of any type with the client they claimed to be representing. Clue number two. I then questioned the man I had been transferred to how I could check and see if there "law firm" was legitimate. He became very angry with me saying I was going to jail and how dare I call them a liar. I hung up on him. So again I then went online and I did some more reasearch. I was directed to the FBI's website, where it told numerous stories about these particular peoples scam. They tell you that you are being charged with Federal crimes and that they can make it all go away by sending them money. The website instructed me to file a report with the FBI and contact local police. Also to put a flag on my credit reports so I would alerted of any suspicious activity. While doing this, the people running this scam continued to call me. So when I was done I answered. I informed them that what they are doing is fraud and they would be the ones going to jail, not me. I also told them that I had filed a complaint with the FBI and the man again became very angry and hung up on me. So I called him back. I had my fun with him.... I told him that he was a no good immigrant and he should get a job and stop scamming innocent people out of their hard earned money, and right before he hung up again I may or may not have told him to go back to Iraq and ride a F****** camel. He hung up and I have yet to receive any more calls from them.

So before giving out any information or accepting any money, do your homework. Make sure you know who is getting your information and what they are using it for. I have yet to find out where they got my information from and I probably never will. Don't fall victim to some ones scams, I would hate to hear of some one losing hundreds of dollars they couldn't afford to lose!  

"Dying to be thin"

This blog entry is inspired by a conversation I had Friday night with my friends Megan and Heidi. The conversation revolved around size, weight, and the term "plus sized."

Today we all live in a society where we are told that thin is beautiful. If you aren't thin, you aren't beautiful. Simple as that. However, I think the topic goes much deeper then that. I honestly believe that you can be beautiful at any size. Size doesn't determine beauty, self confidence does.

That being said, first and foremost I would like to say that I have struggled with weight all my life. I have been overweight since the age of 5. I am what would be considered plus sized on top, and "normal" size on the bottom. That hasn't always been the case though. When I was 16 years old I weighed the most that I have ever weighed. (some where between 300 and 330lbs) I have been teased all my life. It seems that when ever some one has a problem with me their comments are immediately directed at my weight, no matter how relevant it is to the situation. Since 16 I have lost a significant amount of weight, and gained a portion of it back. I now weigh in at around 260lbs. I am 5'11" so most people would never guess that is what I weigh. But by medical standards I am still obese. By magize standards I am not beautiful.

So many women today judge their self worth by the number on their clothing. The number on the clothes goes up and their self worth goes down. There are so many things about that that's not okay. Why should we let the number on the scale or the number on our clothes wreck our days? Marilyn Monroe, one of the most beautiful women in history, was not a size 2. She wasn't even a size 4 or a size 6. In todays standard Marilyn would have been a plus sized model. But she was breath takingly beautiful.

Today there are so many teenagers, adults, and middle age people with eating disorder it is astonishing. People are literally dying to be thin. People would rather die then be "fat." I think this is absurd. Why can't we as human beings except ourselves for who we are. Whether we have gained weight from a pregnancy, illness, injury, or just a bad life style why must we constantly be reminded that we are not good enough?

That leads me to the term Plus sized and plus size stores. Why does there need to be a term plus size? Why can't it just be another size. Why must there be stored specially intended for bigger women? I have experienced the looks walking into a plus sized store and shopping in the plus sized sections. The looks that say "yep, there she goes into the big girls store. then she'll probably head to the food court and get even bigger." Or that's at least what it feels like the looks are saying.

We as people need to stop making it okay to attack other people for how much they weigh. We need to stop putting worth on other humans because of there weight. We need to stop making okay for magazines to tell us that if we aren't thin, we aren't beautiful. Most of all we need to support each other in weight loss journeys if that's a goal that we have. Whether you're a size 2 or a size 22 you are beautiful. Your size doesn't determine your value, you determine your value. We need to stop telling little girls that they have to be thin to be loved. We need to stop dying to be thin. Being thin should not be our goals. Being healthy should be. So lets all together stop the name calling, stop the stares, throw away our scales and be happy being the person you are! 

Will work for food

I would like to think that I am a pretty compasionate person, but some time we all lose sight of just how lucky we really are.

Today I was on my way to my physical therapy appoint. I've been feeling pretty down on myself because I can't do much because of my back. I haven't been to work since Thanksgiving and I am waiting on word that they are going to do surgery. To me most days this has been the end of the world because I will be 24 next week and I think that as an almost 24 year old I shouldn't have to go throught all of this. Then on December 20th my beloved car that I owned for 3 months ended up getting totalled, no fault of my own, and I am still trying to settle it with the insurance company. But today was a little different,

On my way to the chiropractor in my rickety old truck, that is rusting every where and the tail pipes keep falling off of, I passed a man sitting in the snow on the side of a little road just out of town. The man was wearing a green army style jacket with the hood up, sitting on his small green back pack, holding a sign that simply said "Homeless." My heart immediatly went out to him because I know what it's like to be down on your luck, not to that extent though. My heart hurt for him even more when a car passing by honked the horn and gave him the finger. I thought to myself how could people be so heartless? I didn't have any cash on me, so there wasn't much I could do to help. I went on about my day thinking what could I really do?

I was at physical therapy doing my exersizes and the mans faces kept creeping into my mind. I felt guilty for doing nothing. I went on with my day anyway. I finished up PT and had an hour or so to kill until my chiropractors appointment so I headed over to the beauty supply store to get myself some new nail polish. As I browsed the warm store his face crept into my mind again, and I still felt guilty. I felt like just as bad of a person as the one who gave him the finger. I left the store, nail polish and debit card in tow and headed towards the chiropractor when my own guilt overwhelmed me. I had to atleast try to do something. I stopped off at a gas station with an ATM and withdrew a 20 and headed back in the direction I had seen the homeless man. with any luck he would still be sitting there.

When I got back to the spot where he was sitting he wasn't there, but as I looked up the road I saw a man walking, sign hanging in one of his hands. I pulled up along side him and rolled down my window. I simply said "sir, I want to help and this is the only way I know how to" and handed the 20 in his direction. At first he refused, saying he couldn't take that much but I insisted. I told him it was the least I could do and that he must take it, and he did. He said God bless and smiled as I rolled up my window.

I drove away feeling satisfied, I didn't know his story and I probably never will. He very well may have gone straight to the liqour store with my money and bought himself some booze, but that isn't important to me. If that man could swallow enough of his pride to sit along side a road with a homeless sign then he clearly needed that money more then I did. His smile was enough to warm my heart and make me see the good that I am truely blessed with in my life.

As I drove home after the chiropractor my "low fuel" light in my truck came on. I thought about the mans smile and I smiled. The "bad" I have been dealing with didn't matter anymore. What mattered today was making some one elses day better, which I truely hope I did.

Living in a mans world

Pretty much my entire life I have felt like I was a woman living in a mans world. I've always had to know more or bust ass just a little harder to gain the respect of those around me. Let me explain. Growing up I've been the classic case of a tomboy. I hung out in my Dads repair shop with the boys, so I learned motors, grease, and go fast parts at an early age. This had continued into my adulthood. I now own 2 classic cars, 2 snowmobiles and work in a welding shop with 250+ guys. I am the only female. In fact, I am the only female to ever work in the production area of this shop. (I do hope that changes in the future) If there's one thing I've noticed as a female in a "Mans World" they aren't easy on you. They don't give you respect until you've earned it. and some times to earn it you have to work 2-3 times harder then you would if you had different parts between your legs. I've always been okay with that until as of recently, when one man refused to work with me because I am a girl. He didn't even give me a chance to stick up for myself, to prove to him that I could hang with the guys.. Just cut and dry, I don't want to work with her. I've also noticed this trend in more place then just at work... One of the most famous lines I hear when driving my prized white Mercury is "Is that your Daddy's car?" why no sir, it is not. Is it so unbelievable that a woman could own something that takes more automotive no how then to put gas in? Probably not.

It is the year 2011, women hold offices of power, they run companies, they do everything that men can do and probably then some. So why is it that so many women still encounter this? because I ensure you that I can't be the only one!! Any way, my point to this little rant I seem to have gone on is this, to any girl out there that is told you can't, YOU CAN. If some one tells you it's a mans job, prove them wrong. Don't let anyone get you down because you are a girl with a unique interest. You can do anything you set your mind to. And to the guys who tell these girls that they can't do it, I hope some little girl comes along and does it better then you! :)

"A woman can do anything a man can do. But she can do it backwards and in heels!"