Lately I've had quite the mental tug and pull going on. For most of the last month I have thought this tug and pull was caused entirely by me, after careful review I am not so sure. In fact the last month has raised a lot of questions as to what a true friend really is.
Now granted some things in my life have changed. It always involves a male, duh. To make a long story short me and an old flame kind of took a second or maybe a first real effort I guess at making things work. He's a lot like I am stubborn, hard to read, blah blah blah that's a different story. Any way this particular male lives 80+ miles away. Enter the long distance relationship.
You want to test any friendship, I mean really find out who your friends are? All you have to do is work 40+ hours a week (at night in my case) and be given 3 days, Friday through Sunday, to divide among friends, a boyfriend that lives over an hour away, and parents expect you to be around at all times. Yep, that will do it.
I never thought that me dating some one would bring so many issues to the surface, especially given my history with men. I thought that when I found some one that made me happy people would be happy for me. Boy was I wrong. How many people have actually told me they were happy for me? Honestly, two that I remember. Now I find myself being tugged in different directions, all of my friends (with the exception of a couple) demanding I find a place for them to fit in on a regular basis. I have even heard that people have been saying that I am a horrible friend. hmmm, I'm sorry but if I am that horrible why are you still begging to be my friend??
Again, back to the point. As we grow up our friendships change; some grow closer, some grow apart, and some just disappear all together. I've always felt like I was the friend you could count on. You know, the one you can call at 3am when your car won't start. I've always tried to be there for everyone as much as I could. Is that what makes a friend?
I've always felt like a friend is some one that you share your life (or parts of it) with. Of course this will change when you romantically share your life with some one. It's a part of growing up isn't it?
To me, a best friend is some one that has your best interests in mind. Even if you don't talk for a month and one day call them and talk for hours just catching up. With a best friend it will always feel as if you just talked yesterday. You'll still laugh, you'll still giggle, you'll still joke. Most importantly you will still care for each other. Isn't that what a friendship is all about.
So what was my point.... Well I'm not sure that I had one other then to bitch a little.
So why haven't I heard more "I'm so happy for you's" rather then the all too common "You never have time for me anymore" That might be a mystery. Maybe it's true, maybe I am a horrible friend. Or, maybe we just expect everyone to always be there. either way... I'm stuck being pulled in million directions.
For those who have supported me, thank you. For those who haven't, I'm sorry I disappoint you. I'm still working on what it means to be a true friend I guess.
